An introduction to the rambling me

Inspired to write by someone else’s bravery.

Let me introduce myself I am a 40 something, former Soldier with a tendency to addictions, an alcoholic who has been sober over 5 years, a man with a few mental issues, a man with a love for music, football and computer games who is trying to work out who he is.

So Who am I? That is the big question. I have been having to do a lot of rediscovery over the past few years. Looking at my past and working out how it has all shaped how I am now, but I am looking to change and reshape who I am now for my future. Here is not the place for the story of my past it is long and boring, but it is mine to tell at the right moment. For now, I want to talk about perceptions what people think of me and opinions.

How people perceive you is something you cannot control. Sounds basic and obvious to some but it is something I am slowly learning. For years I have worried about how I come across and this has led me to lose large chunks of who I am. I have bent and twisted myself in the past to meet people’s perception. A question for you the reader, what did you think when you read the opening sentence of this? Well, I can tell you I have anticipated every negative concoction that could be imagined, from oh god another bloody mental health blog or oh great a bloody PTSD veteran or even what the hell has he got to say. That people is the reason why I let how people perceive me and what they think of me influence me and how I behave. I am an over-thinker, an active mind that races ahead in every conversation to play out every possible answer, dismiss the good, believe the negative.

What I now realise is worse than how others see me is the fact I have an image of myself that is totally at odds with what others see.

WARNING, I will most likely start quoting song lyrics or mention songs as they say more than I can “after all I am just a sucker with low self-esteem”

Back on track sort of.

Self-perceived image of me. This is a perverse set of standards that I have, over 30 years, twisted and wrapped into my own psyche. So, ingrained now are these that the internal battle when all evidence contradicts them rages hard and the one small negative voice always silences the albums of proof to the contrary. I make sure that the little voice has the right ammunition the right words and images. Now you the reader are probably thinking “surely if you know it is happening you can stop it”. Well yeah, I can, but for one thing. The voice has been my protector for over 30 years. A lifetime of meeting bullies and oppressive people (an occupational risk in the Army) meant that I found the need to twist who I was to please those around me. This became the norm and I finally lost sight of me and believed the voice inside.

Well, here I am today, sat writing words down. Every keystroke I have the fear that you the reader have made up your mind and are agreeing with that little voice inside., maybe just maybe that isn’t true.

In between writing the first bit and now has been a week, working on the courage to post it, working on the mental state of multiple what ifs and also working on a follow-up.

I have decided that this blog will be for me, my thoughts, my days, my weeks whatever I want.

Currently, I am cycling through trying to understand how I feel, getting in touch with my emotions and this leads to a great constant conflict because for years I have silenced how I feel. Emotions squashed and hidden, feelings put to one side as I seemed to deem them against the image of me I had created. I have been challenged to monitor my emotions and check in on how I feel during the day, sounds easy right, well for me it is not at all. Other than the odd solid spike of strong emotions I just feel me. Even the strong emotional spikes I often ignore or just avoid writing about, which isn’t helpful I know but it is my way of fighting the self-improvement. Once again my self-destructive protective behaviour comes into play.

The other part of my challenge (ok it is homework from my counsellor) is to not 3 good things I do in a day. The purpose of this is to help break that little negative voice that shouts loudest of all. If I said I was finding this hard then that would be an understatement. I feel like a constant battle is raging in my mind. I look at what happens in my day and start to say for example; taking time out to help a colleague proofread their presentation, is a good thing. What happens next is the internal voice starts shouting. This is what any normal person would do, this is not good it is just normal, you don’t do any good and so on. As you can imagine it is a struggle. I want to break free, god knows I want to break free (sounds like a song, it’s ok I won’t sing) from this cycle but it is so ingrained. One thing I have learnt over the last couple of years is that I can’t undo 41 years of programming in a day it will take time.

I am going to sign off for now, if you have taken the time to read this thank you.