Author: Steve Scott

Who am I today? It seems to change all the time. One minute, I will be me. Only to change into who the world wants me to be. (Finding myself – Haley Klinkhammer)

 I recently found this song and the opening line struck me.  I have been looking inwards quite a lot of late, this means that I am becoming more and more self- aware. I have always been aware of how my actions were after the event but now I am watching myself interacting during the events this means that I can identify patterns and behaviours.  I am learning about me and how I react. This is a good thing, right?

I suppose for years I have lived ignoring my personality traits, aware that I do certain things in certain ways but never looking at the effects it has on me, well that is changing I am starting to watch these traits, see there effects and then in the future I hope to be able to influence me enough to shift them.

I am not sure how many have heard of the term saviour complex, Yes/no? well, I shall give a quick description anyway.

The saviour complex can be best defined as “A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”

If you ask me, do I feel the need to “save” others I would tell you, no, but and it is a big but, I will always put helping others who need it above my self-care.  From this, I have now looked at this part of my psychological make up a lot more and to do a bit of deeper reading on the subject.

They are drawn to those who need “saving” for a variety of reasons.  However, their efforts to help others may be of an extreme nature that both deplete them and over-function and possibly enable the other individual.

This is the real extreme of it, and to be honest I have gone that far in the past to help others but having looked honestly at myself I would say I am not that extreme but it can take over me.

Having looked at this what now? Well, it is all about adapting how I behave with this knowledge, am I going to stop helping others? No, it is a big part of what gives me a value and it is a big reason I am training in counselling. I want to make a difference in others.  How can I do this and not give in to the “saviour” in me?  The first thing to remember I cannot help if I am the one who needs help.  I have a little yellow rubber duck with the words “think mask” written on it. Everyone on my level 2 counselling skills course was given one by one of the other course members. This simple duck has many meanings to us but for now, I want to focus on the words “think mask”

During the course we watched a TED talk – Drowning in Empathy: The cost of Vicarious trauma – Led by Amy Cunningham

During one part of the video she talks about being on an aeroplane with our young children the oxygen levels have dropped, the face masks descend.  As a parent, your immediate thought would be to put the mask on your children first.  However, experience and events have shown that if you do this the lack of oxygen makes it harder and harder to put theirs on and you are likely to pass out before completing this task.  That is why the advice is your mask first and then that of your children.  You cannot save them if you need saving.  The point of this is that if I spend all my energy making sure others are ok and not taking time out for myself I will pass out (mentally) and not be able to care for others.  When I start to feel the “saviour “in me kick I have been training my mind to “think mask”.  Check on me first then check on others, if I am not ok then help me first, have a bit of downtime recharge and recuperate.

Another thing that I have been doing is following the following quote “You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.” This to me means that I cannot control others only me and therefore I can only give advice, guidance or help them see solutions. If they don’t follow through that is their look out, Do the best that you can do to support and then “let go” of the results.

My final point for today is if I need me time that is ok and I don’t need to feel guilty for not being there to help others. Focusing on yourself does not mean you are being selfish.

I have recently posted the following on my Facebook page, it has been motivated by some bitching and moaning in a Forces Mental health group I help admin.

I am sickened and saddened to see that welfare of others, mental health and assisting those that need it most is becoming more and more about those organising event, setting up charities and facebook pages, getting on tv, getting a famous face and generally about making your name from it. People need to do more action, co-ordinate and stop looking for glory and reward, start looking at making peoples lives better. There needs to be a total shift in focus people need to communicate.
I read a lot of posts with people pretending to be there for others because it is the latest Facebook fad, but often this is a conditional or false offer. My view if you say it mean it or don’t say it at all
So what can you the person reading do, well for a start ask yourself one question
” Do I make a difference to others?”
Having asked the question, make sure your answer is yes.
Helping others doesn’t have to mean money or gifts. It can be talking to someone, talking to that man sat on the corner with a sign, your neighbour or the friend you haven’t spoken to for months. It could be any action that is for the benefit of others and not you.
Oh and if you don’t like what I have said the delete me option is fine by me.

The problem I am seeing daily is lots of people want to get noticed for what they do.  There is an almost egotistical attitude to helping others.  People who have a famous name and the ear of the powers that be pushing guys around who are actually helping.  It is pathetic.  There needs to be co-ordination across the board.  People should help others because they want to, not because they want an award.  Far too many people are seeing the option of starting a charity as the way to help people but often there are 20 or more charities that do the same. All it means is the funds get spread thinner and thinner, people who need help end up jumping through hoops and ultimately it is the main well-organised charities that do most of the helping.

We need to do more and say less, great quote from the person writing a blog but i want you all to ask that one simple question

” Do I make a difference to others?”

Anyway, this probably leads me nicely into my next blog which i hope to finish this week.  If you are still around then i hope you will read it.

For me, my blog is all about growing, moving forward and developing what I want to talk about today is something that is always a key part of this.  Anyone who knows me or has read anything I have written so far will know that I sort of like listening to music. That may be the understatement of the day.  I love listening to music, the sounds, the lyrics, the feelings even the title of this post is a song title. Music is my key, in the age-old debate of reading, watching TV and music (we all have a favourite) music wins hands down.  I have some playing in the background as I type this (Nightwish – Phantom of the Opera).

Answer me these three questions.

What is your favourite type of music?

Who is your favourite musician, artist, group or band?

What is your favourite song/track?

Three simple questions and most people can answer these straight away. I can’t and not because I don’t have answers but because the answer to these is affected by too many variables. What day is it, what am I doing, how do I feel, which version of the song, am I listening on my own or with others, is it sunny outside can I compile a short list first etc, etc, etc.

I suppose this is where I start with music and my journey and the connection. First of all, for as long as I can remember music has been there, my first album was Musical Youth (I know), but when I hit my teenage years my use of music grew.  I started to get into rock and metal and I would listen to cassette tapes on my Walkman (for the young readers you better google them) over and over often falling to sleep with AC/DC or Iron Maiden playing.  As I grew up, so my music influence changed and fluctuated, but music was always a constant companion. It was there in joy, sorrow, with company and in my lonely days. I can chart my life by music and my musical influences.

Music isn’t just about what it means to me but who it connects me to. A short tale. Whilst still in the military I was seeing a mental health specialist, the sessions were going ok but what really broke down my barriers was the day when I had to supply my angry playlist.  On the list was I hate people and So What by the Anti-nowhere league. Not only had she heard of the Anti-nowhere League but used to go to their gigs. I was slightly surprised, very impressed and it helped drop my barriers. Go figure, I hate people made me bond with someone else, isn’t it ironic.

Sometimes a tune or some lyrics can say more than I can verbalise. One of the things I have been trying to do recently is to understand my emotions, what I feel, why I feel that way and is my reaction the right one. This has been the base of the last few sessions “on the couch”.  It is an important piece of work as I generally turn all my strong emotions into an angry one. I have tried many different ways and means and to be honest I am still struggling with them (I am writing a piece about it for homework so I may post that some time). During a tough session I was asked how I was feeling, I paused and realised I couldn’t answer but I could say what tune was in my head – Toxicity by System of the Down.  Now this track isn’t a particularly about depression or feeling down (it is about the state of the world), but it is my go-to song when down

 “The toxicity of our city,

Now, what do you own the world?

How do you own disorder, disorder

Now somewhere between the sacred silence and sleep”

 It just matched how I felt at the time I couldn’t form a word for the feelings but I knew that it felt like this song.

Not all my use of music is in a negative form.  I have tracks saved in playlists or online that are for one purpose.  No matter how I feel or what is going on they will make me smile. For example, Mr Blue Sky’s – ELO has been the foundation of my mental safe area and it always raises my mood. Another is pure 90’s pop cheese but I challenge you not to be humming it after this.  We Like to party – Vengaboys.  “The vengabus is coming and everybody’s jumping”.

I could talk about songs, albums and groups and what they mean forever but I want you to consider how the music connects next time you hear a track and for now I will leave you with one last line.

“Stop being a snob with your music its made to be heard man anyone can use it” – Snob Dan le Sac vs Scroobius pip

“I don’t know where I’m going but I sure know where I’ve been” (Whitesnake)

Recently I have found myself using words, phrases and language that seem very alien to me and my image of who I am, one of these is “My journey”. I have found that I have used this often in the last five months and it has become a bye phrase for what I am trying to achieve.

The question for today is “What is my journey?”

Damn, I have asked myself a tough one.  Short answer, to be who I want to be. A Cliché? maybe but in short it is the foundation of all I am doing. It is shaping my thoughts and actions and building the first part of my journey, the focus on self-discovery and self-improvements.

Now to a lot of people, this would seem irrelevant as that has always been their focus, not me.  For the last couple of years, all I wanted to do was exist to get through the day and maybe find one that didn’t suck and hopefully hate myself a little bit less in the process.  “Hate myself less” seems a strange concept but it was my core focus when I started therapy 2 years ago. I couldn’t hate myself any more than I did right then, and I was aware that this self-hate was shaping me and everything I was doing, which had to change for me to continue. Slowly piece by piece I have been chipping away at this hate of me. It is a slow, difficult process, so much to change, so many thoughts to correct, so many things in me that I need to improve. It is hindered by my mental health and personality issues; however, I am slowly changing, slowly improving, baby step by baby step and recently I had one big change that is shaping my future.  I mention it at the end of my post Getting fixed.  For the first time in 2 years, I see a future and want a future.

Part of this has come after a conversation in the safe room of therapy where I came to the realisation that I wanted to change my career path, I wanted to do something that would give me more self-worth and also give back to others who needed help.

I have always found myself drawn to be a listening ear to those that need it. In the army, I had two jobs that were very much based on the model of listening to those that need help then assisting and signposting them to get that help.  The military call this “soldier welfare” I recently described it as mental health triage.  Never focusing on the individual for too long but listening and assessing them before passing them on to the right care path whilst monitoring their care.  It was a job that had real highs and real lows, but one constant was that I knew I was helping people and this made me feel better about myself. There was a downside, despite having done nearly 4 years in this field, the Army is what it is had never given me any training and I had zero qualifications to use outside of the army.

This brings me nicely to the second part of my journey.  To switch career paths, I need to retrain and qualify as a counsellor, not a short journey but one that, I have taken the first steps of. In September I started my level 2 in counselling skills.  This was a course that I didn’t think would give me much, something that I didn’t think needed to do, boy was I wrong.

The course was an eyeopener it gave me insight to me as a listener and helper. I meet and made friends with some wonderful like-minded people.  There were sessions on Egan’s and other counselling skills and all of this and more confirmed that it was a path I wanted to follow.  Step one on that path was completed in January and I am now waiting to have confirmation of a place on a level 3 course in September.

My journey on a new career path has helped focus me on my personal development, it has given me a reason to be. As with all Journeys I know this one isn’t going to be easy, it is going to have twists and turns, ups and downs.  I will have my focus and drive challenged but I believe that the journey is worth it.  It is worth it because I want to change.  As the late great David Bowie sang “Turn and face the strange (Ch ch ch ch changes) Just gonna have to be a different man”. A different man is the goal. A man that I can hopefully like. One that I want to call me.

“For millions of years, mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk and we learned to listen. Speech has allowed the communication of ideas, enabling human beings to work together to build the impossible. Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking” Stephen Hawkins (Yes ok it was for a BT advert)

This week is mental health awareness week in the UK. Go figure we think so little about mental health issues that we need a week to promote it.  The message of this is that we need to talk about mental health and we need to remove the stigma. Now I will not undermine these messages as I agree with them and feel that this should be the norm.  What I want to ramble about here is the need for people to listen. Far to often I have heard people with mental health issues say that they don’t feel that they are listened to or heard. This isn’t just some throwaway comment, I know from personal experience and interactions that it stops people reaching out. If you don’t listen I can’t speak.

What do I mean?  To answer this question, I will pose another one. What stops someone with mental health issues from speaking out? (I will pause for a second whilst you all shout out the answers) The main reason is often fear. Fear of being ignored, fear of not being taken seriously, fear of it impacting on others, fear of what others will think of them.  The next reasons I will give a more personal one, I don’t want to talk out because no one actually listens, my problems aren’t important, I don’t matter.

Having posted and answered my own question I will now talk about the need to listen.  How many times have you been in a conversation with someone and had that heart thudding moment when they ask you the dreaded question “What do you think?” Why do we dread it? Probably because our minds have probably drifted away at this point, it happens we are human, and our minds cannot focus for long.  This is what I imagine everyone I talk to doing. It’s what I imagine you are doing right now whilst reading this. I can hear you all shouting “but we don’t do this”, ok but how often do you listen to the words and hear the message. As Pink Floyd said “Their lips move but I can’t hear what they are saying”

The impact that actually having someone not only listen to you but hear your message is huge. It could be the difference, it could be the only time someone has done that.  Don’t underestimate how powerful listening and hearing someone is.

When I do decide to come out of my protective bubble and talk openly about my mental health it is a deeply unnerving experience. I have mentioned above what is in my mind so you can understand that taking that step is a big one. All I ask then is the listener does some simple things in return.

1. Listen to what is said
2. Hear the message.
3. Think before replying

Not always easy in this world.  Often, we are wrapped up in our own problems but by following a few simple guidelines we could hear the message louder and clearer. As the listener, you don’t have to have the answers or magic words, for me personally, I am not looking for sympathy or you to “fix” me, I am looking to for some sort of understanding, an acknowledgement of what I have said and where I am at.

So full circle. As I mentioned at the start it is mental health week.  We are encouraging people to talk and listen, but I am encouraging you to hear what is being said. Take the time listen to the words and hear the message.   If you sit and say that you are an ear for someone if they ever need it, then be that ear and hear that person’s message.

Finally, I will leave you with some words from George Bernard Shaw “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”.

A couple of weeks ago someone at work who I am on “morning” terms with stopped by my office out of the blue for a chat.  During the conversation, I was stimulated and motivated by things he said, one of the main things we discussed is how what we do impact on others. This got me thinking.

Right here I better give my disclaimer.  This is again my views, I will no doubt refer to songs and music and I may say things that you disagree with.

Every interaction we have with others leaves an impression and has an impact. Now you may say I don’t care what others think of me or how I impact them, and this is a common attitude to have, I myself have regularly spouted the mantra of I don’t care what others think about me.

I will ask this, and this is a question I was posed in therapy the other week: “Imagine you are watching the mourners at your funeral, what would you want them to be saying about you?”

Would you like them to be saying you were someone who always had nice things, drove a great car, had a big house and had always brought the best stuff? Or would you like them to say you were kind, funny, caring and considered others?

My immediate reaction was “wow deep” and after a few moments of contemplation, I realised I didn’t know but I wanted it to be positive.  Eventually, after a short pause, I said that I wanted to be remembered as someone who helped others and had a positive impact on them.  When considering this we are thinking about long-term relationships and at the end of your life but it can be applied equally to everyday occurrences.

Think about all the people you may have interacted with today, this number may be big or small, for me, it is about 40 people so far. Some of these interactions may only be for a second, like the person who I held the door open for or the driver I let out of a junction.  Others may be longer like the 2 co-workers I was in a meeting with.  However short or long the interaction was, I had some form of contact, connection and impact with all of them and I left an impression of me behind, a footprint in my day. Like a footprint depends on how it is placed and where it was placed to leave behind a mark, so my interactions have the same effect.

When I held the door open this morning was this something I had to do or was this a choice?  Ok, an easy one it was a choice and one I will always try to make.  How did this impact the man who walked through the door? Probably nothing, he probably couldn’t describe me. Now consider the reverse of this, as I walked through the door I chose to let it shut in his face. Would my impact have been different? Possibly yes.  He may have thought I was rude or inconsiderate.  Would I know that is how he thought? Probably not.  I want to put a slight spin on this.  Consider that he had just had a bad few hours and wasn’t in the best of moods and I let it shut in his face.  My small action could have added to a larger burden and had a large impact.

I am not saying that being courteous and kin is how we should be, I am saying we should always consider our impact on others.

Going to make it personal.  Last year at my lowest I was in a bad place and often went through my day in a depressive trance (looking strong on the outside whilst crumbled on the inside) I had no motivation for anyone or anything, I had hit rocked bottom and wanted to end it all.  At this time, I was still going out and Refereeing football matches which are often a lonely and hard job at the best of times.  One incident in one game sticks to mind.  The game was a cup game between two low league teams and I made a decision that I saw as correct which led to a yellow card for one of the players.  Nothing too controversial and the player accepted it with little complaint. However, one of the fans happened to be a relative of the player involved and he decided that I was a cheat (nothing unusual for lower league football in England) He called me a cheat, useless, blind (water off a duck back) he then started to call me other things more personal, which included “a fat cunt” and “I hope you die in a car crash on the way home”. It was at this point it became too much, it was personal, there was no “be the bigger man” (Gaz Brookfield) my line and tolerance were crossed.  At the end of the game, I confronted the man and invited him for a one to one about his issues (yep I can get violent) and was luckily guided away by others.  Now the abuse has happened before, sadly far to often, and it will happen again (not to me I have turned my back on refereeing). What got me is that this had a massive effect on my mindset.  His comments played back in my head for weeks and were part of my crash to the bottom of the mental hell I went to.

Now the football people would say it is part of being a referee and be bigger than it, the fan would have said he was justified in his comments as I was wrong, and all referees deserve it.  What about me looking back with my 9 months on vision.  I can see how that one individuals’ interaction with me has had a lasting life-changing impact.  He has probably forgotten it, me I can remember every word and every detail of him.  It has changed me, it nearly formed part of ending me.

On interaction no more than 10 minutes, less than 500 words but for one of us, it is with them forever.

Again, I am not saying that everyone needs to be good and polite, just that we should all consider how hard and deep our footprint is on someone’s day and if you get the chance make sure it is a positive one.

When will I be better? When will I be fixed? This is a question that I have in the past asked myself and is a question I see often in many different forums talking about mental health.  Now yes, I know that we can see improvements in our mental health but in my opinion, those that have mental health issues will always have mental health issues.

Self-diagnosis or unqualified diagnosis is an issue for me too.  I have done it myself as well as seen it far too many times, people saying that they are @@@ or £££ but have never seen a professional or had any formal diagnosis. I did it myself when I spectacularly imploded in 2006 and put this down to having anger issues so I went a sought help for these and didn’t at that time consider the bigger picture of me.

Labelling is another issue yes lots of mental health issues require a specific treatment plan and therefore are named but I personally believed that for some (me included) the labelling of how they feel is not only incorrect but a dangerous thing to do.

These are my opinions and not firm hard facts; however, it is based on my personal experiences and this is where I am going to focus and talk about here.

Having highlighted those 3 points, I will try to ramble about my current view on my own mental health

As I have come to realise I have been struggling with my mental health on and off for about 30 years since I was a teenager.  For a large part of that period, I have either ignored or compensated (see my previous blog about drinking) for my struggle.  It is only in the last 2 years and after many hours of counselling and with many hours of counselling ahead of me that I have now accepted that Steven’s mental health issues are a lifelong project that I will need to constantly work on.  Currently, I am on a slow upward climb out of the depths I found myself in, late last year.  I am in a better place than I have been for 12 months, I feel mentally fitter and stronger.  For me this is the dangerous time, this is when I have in the past said, “I am better, I am fixed, I don’t need help anymore”.  This was when I would allow my belief that I could be “fixed” to take over and see how I am feeling as being fixed.  The trouble with this approach is that if I do I know 3 years later I will be right back where I was before or much worse.  As I say dangerous times for me.

How am I altering this approach? Well for starters I am no longer looking at myself in labels.  Yes, I still see myself as an alcoholic (I feel an addiction is worth the label) but I am trying not to label myself as someone who has anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, suicidal tendencies (now there is a band) PTSD and anger issues.  I am trying to label me as Steven who has mental health issues that are varied and valued.  This approach doesn’t mean I don’t feel depressed, anxious, low self-esteem, suicidal or suffer from other issues, it means to me that I am looking at me, me the unit me the structure.  By taking this approach I am looking at learning more and more about myself.  This does mean digging into my past, looking at my present but also and importantly looking at where I want to go for the future.  For the first time in 2 years, I have a plan and an idea of what I want to do in the future.  I see a future, I want a future.  This is a revolutionary idea for me but one I am liking.

Having found the courage in me to post and share the first online blog I have been considering what to write on next.  For some reason, I have been drawn time and time again to being sober.

Before talking about being sober I feel I need to explain a few things

I am an alcoholic, now this isn’t a label I use lightly but if you know my story you may initially question the title.  When you hear the word alcoholic what do you imagine, someone who drinks all day every day, someone who cannot start the day without a drink? Yes, these are the stereotypical images that we have.  TV and or society have shaped this view. But alcoholics like a lot of addicts may not do it all day every day it is about their relationship with their addiction and for me one of my addictions was alcohol. For me, I am an alcoholic because of how potentially destructive my relationship with alcohol is. Some background first

I started drinking young, I drank regularly from the age of 15.  At 16 I joined the army and well let’s just say it is very much the norm to drink as much as you can as often as you can.  Over the years I would binge drink, but often found that I would turn to alcohol for many reasons, to make me happy, because I had a busy day because I was angry, because I needed a drink but more often than not I wanted to get blind drunk and forget me.  As the years past my behaviour whilst under the influence of alcohol was poor, to say the least.  I would often become violent, always the one looking for a fight. I was the hand grenade.  Alcohol and I were a beast.  Slowly I found I was drinking all the time 5 or 6 drinks a night whilst sat at home because I could.

Looking back, I can see how this behaviour is the pattern of alcoholism but at the time it was normal. By the time I was in my early 30s my behaviour whilst drunk was the opposite of what it was sober.  I would regularly have blackouts when drunk.  The nights of no memories, mornings of fear and apologising for how I was, then the next night out the same.  A circle of destruction that leads to implosion.  I had my first major wake up in 2006, no details here but it was close to costing me everything in my life.  I sought help for my anger and stopped drinking for a short while but 3 months on I felt fine and went back to drinking.  For a while, I was in control and as I have often found if my mood was ok I was ok with a drink.  But by 2013 things had gone wrong again and a morning after, violent incident, on the 2^nd January 2013 lead me to question me and how I was but also over the next 6 months of therapy I realised that I and alcohol had a serious relationship issue.

Fast forward to today currently typing at 0908 on 23^rd April 2018 and I have been sober for 5 years 4 months 22 days and 10 hours.  My last drink it turns out was 1^st January 2013 at 1100pm (approximate time).  I am proud to say that I am sober.

That is the history of why but what I wanted to write about is the day-to-day of being sober.  I would love to say it is easy but that would be a complete lie. Not a week goes by without me craving a drink. This is the waking battle, often (today is one of those days) I would give anything to sit and have a pint or 20.  To be able to consume alcohol to have the gifts it would give me.

The waking thoughts are bad but the area I really struggle with is in my sleep. I dream about drinking, I wake up being able to taste Bourbon (my real weakness) and often the feeling that I have fallen off the wagon is real and guilt consuming.  These dreams come often, I had one last night, the day after can be horrid, today is.  People often don’t seem to understand how bad these feeling are, often I get told to be thankful it was only a dream, that I am still sober, but that is not how my mind works.

So how do I get past these days, sometimes I do it by reaching out to a few I trust to talk with and this often works, more often than not, I will write what I am feeling try to remind myself that why I don’t drink.

Being sober is not really a choice as I see it, it is a must.  The alternative is unthinkable.  I have an addictive streak in me which means I overdo things for a short while, but alcohol is something else and as the good old guns and roses song says, “I can’t stop thinking about doin’ it one more time” (It is definitely my bad obsession).  I know that if I drink I will not stop now.  The power it holds is so strong the path to my ultimate destruction is down that route. So that is why even on a difficult day like today I get up and stay sober, as I said at the beginning I am an alcoholic and always will be.

Inspired to write by someone else’s bravery.

Let me introduce myself I am a 40 something, former Soldier with a tendency to addictions, an alcoholic who has been sober over 5 years, a man with a few mental issues, a man with a love for music, football and computer games who is trying to work out who he is.

So Who am I? That is the big question. I have been having to do a lot of rediscovery over the past few years. Looking at my past and working out how it has all shaped how I am now, but I am looking to change and reshape who I am now for my future. Here is not the place for the story of my past it is long and boring, but it is mine to tell at the right moment. For now, I want to talk about perceptions what people think of me and opinions.

How people perceive you is something you cannot control. Sounds basic and obvious to some but it is something I am slowly learning. For years I have worried about how I come across and this has led me to lose large chunks of who I am. I have bent and twisted myself in the past to meet people’s perception. A question for you the reader, what did you think when you read the opening sentence of this? Well, I can tell you I have anticipated every negative concoction that could be imagined, from oh god another bloody mental health blog or oh great a bloody PTSD veteran or even what the hell has he got to say. That people is the reason why I let how people perceive me and what they think of me influence me and how I behave. I am an over-thinker, an active mind that races ahead in every conversation to play out every possible answer, dismiss the good, believe the negative.

What I now realise is worse than how others see me is the fact I have an image of myself that is totally at odds with what others see.

WARNING, I will most likely start quoting song lyrics or mention songs as they say more than I can “after all I am just a sucker with low self-esteem”

Back on track sort of.

Self-perceived image of me. This is a perverse set of standards that I have, over 30 years, twisted and wrapped into my own psyche. So, ingrained now are these that the internal battle when all evidence contradicts them rages hard and the one small negative voice always silences the albums of proof to the contrary. I make sure that the little voice has the right ammunition the right words and images. Now you the reader are probably thinking “surely if you know it is happening you can stop it”. Well yeah, I can, but for one thing. The voice has been my protector for over 30 years. A lifetime of meeting bullies and oppressive people (an occupational risk in the Army) meant that I found the need to twist who I was to please those around me. This became the norm and I finally lost sight of me and believed the voice inside.

Well, here I am today, sat writing words down. Every keystroke I have the fear that you the reader have made up your mind and are agreeing with that little voice inside., maybe just maybe that isn’t true.

In between writing the first bit and now has been a week, working on the courage to post it, working on the mental state of multiple what ifs and also working on a follow-up.

I have decided that this blog will be for me, my thoughts, my days, my weeks whatever I want.

Currently, I am cycling through trying to understand how I feel, getting in touch with my emotions and this leads to a great constant conflict because for years I have silenced how I feel. Emotions squashed and hidden, feelings put to one side as I seemed to deem them against the image of me I had created. I have been challenged to monitor my emotions and check in on how I feel during the day, sounds easy right, well for me it is not at all. Other than the odd solid spike of strong emotions I just feel me. Even the strong emotional spikes I often ignore or just avoid writing about, which isn’t helpful I know but it is my way of fighting the self-improvement. Once again my self-destructive protective behaviour comes into play.

The other part of my challenge (ok it is homework from my counsellor) is to not 3 good things I do in a day. The purpose of this is to help break that little negative voice that shouts loudest of all. If I said I was finding this hard then that would be an understatement. I feel like a constant battle is raging in my mind. I look at what happens in my day and start to say for example; taking time out to help a colleague proofread their presentation, is a good thing. What happens next is the internal voice starts shouting. This is what any normal person would do, this is not good it is just normal, you don’t do any good and so on. As you can imagine it is a struggle. I want to break free, god knows I want to break free (sounds like a song, it’s ok I won’t sing) from this cycle but it is so ingrained. One thing I have learnt over the last couple of years is that I can’t undo 41 years of programming in a day it will take time.

I am going to sign off for now, if you have taken the time to read this thank you.