Save Me

Who am I today? It seems to change all the time. One minute, I will be me. Only to change into who the world wants me to be. (Finding myself – Haley Klinkhammer)

 I recently found this song and the opening line struck me.  I have been looking inwards quite a lot of late, this means that I am becoming more and more self- aware. I have always been aware of how my actions were after the event but now I am watching myself interacting during the events this means that I can identify patterns and behaviours.  I am learning about me and how I react. This is a good thing, right?

I suppose for years I have lived ignoring my personality traits, aware that I do certain things in certain ways but never looking at the effects it has on me, well that is changing I am starting to watch these traits, see there effects and then in the future I hope to be able to influence me enough to shift them.

I am not sure how many have heard of the term saviour complex, Yes/no? well, I shall give a quick description anyway.

The saviour complex can be best defined as “A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”

If you ask me, do I feel the need to “save” others I would tell you, no, but and it is a big but, I will always put helping others who need it above my self-care.  From this, I have now looked at this part of my psychological make up a lot more and to do a bit of deeper reading on the subject.

They are drawn to those who need “saving” for a variety of reasons.  However, their efforts to help others may be of an extreme nature that both deplete them and over-function and possibly enable the other individual.

This is the real extreme of it, and to be honest I have gone that far in the past to help others but having looked honestly at myself I would say I am not that extreme but it can take over me.

Having looked at this what now? Well, it is all about adapting how I behave with this knowledge, am I going to stop helping others? No, it is a big part of what gives me a value and it is a big reason I am training in counselling. I want to make a difference in others.  How can I do this and not give in to the “saviour” in me?  The first thing to remember I cannot help if I am the one who needs help.  I have a little yellow rubber duck with the words “think mask” written on it. Everyone on my level 2 counselling skills course was given one by one of the other course members. This simple duck has many meanings to us but for now, I want to focus on the words “think mask”

During the course we watched a TED talk – Drowning in Empathy: The cost of Vicarious trauma – Led by Amy Cunningham

During one part of the video she talks about being on an aeroplane with our young children the oxygen levels have dropped, the face masks descend.  As a parent, your immediate thought would be to put the mask on your children first.  However, experience and events have shown that if you do this the lack of oxygen makes it harder and harder to put theirs on and you are likely to pass out before completing this task.  That is why the advice is your mask first and then that of your children.  You cannot save them if you need saving.  The point of this is that if I spend all my energy making sure others are ok and not taking time out for myself I will pass out (mentally) and not be able to care for others.  When I start to feel the “saviour “in me kick I have been training my mind to “think mask”.  Check on me first then check on others, if I am not ok then help me first, have a bit of downtime recharge and recuperate.

Another thing that I have been doing is following the following quote “You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you.” This to me means that I cannot control others only me and therefore I can only give advice, guidance or help them see solutions. If they don’t follow through that is their look out, Do the best that you can do to support and then “let go” of the results.

My final point for today is if I need me time that is ok and I don’t need to feel guilty for not being there to help others. Focusing on yourself does not mean you are being selfish.