Footprints

A couple of weeks ago someone at work who I am on “morning” terms with stopped by my office out of the blue for a chat.  During the conversation, I was stimulated and motivated by things he said, one of the main things we discussed is how what we do impact on others. This got me thinking.

Right here I better give my disclaimer.  This is again my views, I will no doubt refer to songs and music and I may say things that you disagree with.

Every interaction we have with others leaves an impression and has an impact. Now you may say I don’t care what others think of me or how I impact them, and this is a common attitude to have, I myself have regularly spouted the mantra of I don’t care what others think about me.

I will ask this, and this is a question I was posed in therapy the other week: “Imagine you are watching the mourners at your funeral, what would you want them to be saying about you?”

Would you like them to be saying you were someone who always had nice things, drove a great car, had a big house and had always brought the best stuff? Or would you like them to say you were kind, funny, caring and considered others?

My immediate reaction was “wow deep” and after a few moments of contemplation, I realised I didn’t know but I wanted it to be positive.  Eventually, after a short pause, I said that I wanted to be remembered as someone who helped others and had a positive impact on them.  When considering this we are thinking about long-term relationships and at the end of your life but it can be applied equally to everyday occurrences.

Think about all the people you may have interacted with today, this number may be big or small, for me, it is about 40 people so far. Some of these interactions may only be for a second, like the person who I held the door open for or the driver I let out of a junction.  Others may be longer like the 2 co-workers I was in a meeting with.  However short or long the interaction was, I had some form of contact, connection and impact with all of them and I left an impression of me behind, a footprint in my day. Like a footprint depends on how it is placed and where it was placed to leave behind a mark, so my interactions have the same effect.

When I held the door open this morning was this something I had to do or was this a choice?  Ok, an easy one it was a choice and one I will always try to make.  How did this impact the man who walked through the door? Probably nothing, he probably couldn’t describe me. Now consider the reverse of this, as I walked through the door I chose to let it shut in his face. Would my impact have been different? Possibly yes.  He may have thought I was rude or inconsiderate.  Would I know that is how he thought? Probably not.  I want to put a slight spin on this.  Consider that he had just had a bad few hours and wasn’t in the best of moods and I let it shut in his face.  My small action could have added to a larger burden and had a large impact.

I am not saying that being courteous and kin is how we should be, I am saying we should always consider our impact on others.

Going to make it personal.  Last year at my lowest I was in a bad place and often went through my day in a depressive trance (looking strong on the outside whilst crumbled on the inside) I had no motivation for anyone or anything, I had hit rocked bottom and wanted to end it all.  At this time, I was still going out and Refereeing football matches which are often a lonely and hard job at the best of times.  One incident in one game sticks to mind.  The game was a cup game between two low league teams and I made a decision that I saw as correct which led to a yellow card for one of the players.  Nothing too controversial and the player accepted it with little complaint. However, one of the fans happened to be a relative of the player involved and he decided that I was a cheat (nothing unusual for lower league football in England) He called me a cheat, useless, blind (water off a duck back) he then started to call me other things more personal, which included “a fat cunt” and “I hope you die in a car crash on the way home”. It was at this point it became too much, it was personal, there was no “be the bigger man” (Gaz Brookfield) my line and tolerance were crossed.  At the end of the game, I confronted the man and invited him for a one to one about his issues (yep I can get violent) and was luckily guided away by others.  Now the abuse has happened before, sadly far to often, and it will happen again (not to me I have turned my back on refereeing). What got me is that this had a massive effect on my mindset.  His comments played back in my head for weeks and were part of my crash to the bottom of the mental hell I went to.

Now the football people would say it is part of being a referee and be bigger than it, the fan would have said he was justified in his comments as I was wrong, and all referees deserve it.  What about me looking back with my 9 months on vision.  I can see how that one individuals’ interaction with me has had a lasting life-changing impact.  He has probably forgotten it, me I can remember every word and every detail of him.  It has changed me, it nearly formed part of ending me.

On interaction no more than 10 minutes, less than 500 words but for one of us, it is with them forever.

Again, I am not saying that everyone needs to be good and polite, just that we should all consider how hard and deep our footprint is on someone’s day and if you get the chance make sure it is a positive one.