Getting fixed

When will I be better? When will I be fixed? This is a question that I have in the past asked myself and is a question I see often in many different forums talking about mental health.  Now yes, I know that we can see improvements in our mental health but in my opinion, those that have mental health issues will always have mental health issues.

Self-diagnosis or unqualified diagnosis is an issue for me too.  I have done it myself as well as seen it far too many times, people saying that they are @@@ or £££ but have never seen a professional or had any formal diagnosis. I did it myself when I spectacularly imploded in 2006 and put this down to having anger issues so I went a sought help for these and didn’t at that time consider the bigger picture of me.

Labelling is another issue yes lots of mental health issues require a specific treatment plan and therefore are named but I personally believed that for some (me included) the labelling of how they feel is not only incorrect but a dangerous thing to do.

These are my opinions and not firm hard facts; however, it is based on my personal experiences and this is where I am going to focus and talk about here.

Having highlighted those 3 points, I will try to ramble about my current view on my own mental health

As I have come to realise I have been struggling with my mental health on and off for about 30 years since I was a teenager.  For a large part of that period, I have either ignored or compensated (see my previous blog about drinking) for my struggle.  It is only in the last 2 years and after many hours of counselling and with many hours of counselling ahead of me that I have now accepted that Steven’s mental health issues are a lifelong project that I will need to constantly work on.  Currently, I am on a slow upward climb out of the depths I found myself in, late last year.  I am in a better place than I have been for 12 months, I feel mentally fitter and stronger.  For me this is the dangerous time, this is when I have in the past said, “I am better, I am fixed, I don’t need help anymore”.  This was when I would allow my belief that I could be “fixed” to take over and see how I am feeling as being fixed.  The trouble with this approach is that if I do I know 3 years later I will be right back where I was before or much worse.  As I say dangerous times for me.

How am I altering this approach? Well for starters I am no longer looking at myself in labels.  Yes, I still see myself as an alcoholic (I feel an addiction is worth the label) but I am trying not to label myself as someone who has anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, suicidal tendencies (now there is a band) PTSD and anger issues.  I am trying to label me as Steven who has mental health issues that are varied and valued.  This approach doesn’t mean I don’t feel depressed, anxious, low self-esteem, suicidal or suffer from other issues, it means to me that I am looking at me, me the unit me the structure.  By taking this approach I am looking at learning more and more about myself.  This does mean digging into my past, looking at my present but also and importantly looking at where I want to go for the future.  For the first time in 2 years, I have a plan and an idea of what I want to do in the future.  I see a future, I want a future.  This is a revolutionary idea for me but one I am liking.