Having found the courage in me to post and share the first online blog I have been considering what to write on next. For some reason, I have been drawn time and time again to being sober.
Before talking about being sober I feel I need to explain a few things
I am an alcoholic, now this isn’t a label I use lightly but if you know my story you may initially question the title. When you hear the word alcoholic what do you imagine, someone who drinks all day every day, someone who cannot start the day without a drink? Yes, these are the stereotypical images that we have. TV and or society have shaped this view. But alcoholics like a lot of addicts may not do it all day every day it is about their relationship with their addiction and for me one of my addictions was alcohol. For me, I am an alcoholic because of how potentially destructive my relationship with alcohol is. Some background first
I started drinking young, I drank regularly from the age of 15. At 16 I joined the army and well let’s just say it is very much the norm to drink as much as you can as often as you can. Over the years I would binge drink, but often found that I would turn to alcohol for many reasons, to make me happy, because I had a busy day because I was angry, because I needed a drink but more often than not I wanted to get blind drunk and forget me. As the years past my behaviour whilst under the influence of alcohol was poor, to say the least. I would often become violent, always the one looking for a fight. I was the hand grenade. Alcohol and I were a beast. Slowly I found I was drinking all the time 5 or 6 drinks a night whilst sat at home because I could.
Looking back, I can see how this behaviour is the pattern of alcoholism but at the time it was normal. By the time I was in my early 30s my behaviour whilst drunk was the opposite of what it was sober. I would regularly have blackouts when drunk. The nights of no memories, mornings of fear and apologising for how I was, then the next night out the same. A circle of destruction that leads to implosion. I had my first major wake up in 2006, no details here but it was close to costing me everything in my life. I sought help for my anger and stopped drinking for a short while but 3 months on I felt fine and went back to drinking. For a while, I was in control and as I have often found if my mood was ok I was ok with a drink. But by 2013 things had gone wrong again and a morning after, violent incident, on the 2nd January 2013 lead me to question me and how I was but also over the next 6 months of therapy I realised that I and alcohol had a serious relationship issue.
Fast forward to today currently typing at 0908 on 23rd April 2018 and I have been sober for 5 years 4 months 22 days and 10 hours. My last drink it turns out was 1st January 2013 at 1100pm (approximate time). I am proud to say that I am sober.
That is the history of why but what I wanted to write about is the day-to-day of being sober. I would love to say it is easy but that would be a complete lie. Not a week goes by without me craving a drink. This is the waking battle, often (today is one of those days) I would give anything to sit and have a pint or 20. To be able to consume alcohol to have the gifts it would give me.
The waking thoughts are bad but the area I really struggle with is in my sleep. I dream about drinking, I wake up being able to taste Bourbon (my real weakness) and often the feeling that I have fallen off the wagon is real and guilt consuming. These dreams come often, I had one last night, the day after can be horrid, today is. People often don’t seem to understand how bad these feeling are, often I get told to be thankful it was only a dream, that I am still sober, but that is not how my mind works.
So how do I get past these days, sometimes I do it by reaching out to a few I trust to talk with and this often works, more often than not, I will write what I am feeling try to remind myself that why I don’t drink.
Being sober is not really a choice as I see it, it is a must. The alternative is unthinkable. I have an addictive streak in me which means I overdo things for a short while, but alcohol is something else and as the good old guns and roses song says, “I can’t stop thinking about doin’ it one more time” (It is definitely my bad obsession). I know that if I drink I will not stop now. The power it holds is so strong the path to my ultimate destruction is down that route. So that is why even on a difficult day like today I get up and stay sober, as I said at the beginning I am an alcoholic and always will be.
Steve's general rambles of a confused FM player 